I’ve been trying to ignore it, to pretend that it’s okay, that ultimately I’m not this body, so why fuss about things I can’t control, and no need to create more suffering in the world by not allowing things to be just as they are, and maybe it’s just con-trails, and maybe I’m wrong that something is very wrong. Perhaps I ought to just shut-up and join the gym to get my rocks off, or maybe wear a particulate mask, or just go ride my mountain bike and try to enjoy myself. Keep my head down, don’t look up. Or out. Or around. Stop resisting my fate… or start taking psychopharmecueticals.
I took this photo while walking my dogs today. After doggie duty my plan was to relieve some of my anger laced anxiety ( This could be PMS, or garden variety anxiety, the acupuncture I had yesterday, or some environmental pollutant seeping into my cells.) with one of my favorite short term energy relieving behaviors: exercising in nature. Huffing and puffing and sweating while surrounded by beauty that doesn’t give a whit about me helps me to feel better, and isn’t that what the point is people, to feel better? Isn’t that what all the fuss is about? Isn’t all the rushing around managing and rearranging molecules simply a way to keep ourselves from falling into the ego-buffered emptiness that we are?
This feels true to me, but I’m not about to claim authority when it comes to reality, folks. I’m just saying that the mountains that are only about a mile from my house look like they’re wearing a sheer white mountain sized nightie, and my eyes burn, and I don’t think condensation trails turn into cloudy days and mountains wearing negligees. I want to go burn off some thick and heavy energy, but I can’t help reporting and feeling into what I see. I see planes spitting lines of white mist that spread out across the sky creating a hazy day or a cloudy day and sometimes a storm. I pay too much attention and a part of me wishes I didn’t. But I do. Without citing articles for or against, I will say that in my marrow, I feel that this is weird shit and it’s not life affirming weird shit, but this Mr. Rodgers video is. ( I recommend watching after you read this, for a sweet mind cleansing ending.)
Life affirming weird shit:
Non-life affirming weird shit:
Because none of my inner-outer pollution solutions ( gym joining, ignoring, masking, drugging etc..) currently feel right, I reached out to a friend for help ~ for some wisdom. My friend Melissa is wise. Like me, she’s a delicate and porous human being with just enough fire and awareness to make her dangerous. I sent her a text with the photo you see in this post with the words “Help. Wisdom? I’m angry….acceptance?” I asked for help, because I really didn’t want to fall into a hole of despair and what’s the point and why bother and where’s the kool-aid?
Melissa’s reply, used with her permission and the hope that the government won’t take her away:
“A couple of things:
1. Tell people: most have no idea what’s going on
2. You’re a writer, write about it-people will listen and act.
3. Organize a protest.
4. Sign/start a petition.
5. Notify local radio stations.
I’m going to start smoking pot. All these metals in our atmosphere are fucking with our bodies and brains so I might as well feel high as well.
I’m not an activist, nor do I know that this weird white haze is heavy metal, as I do not own a heavy metal detecting machine, but I will report what feels true to me through writing. I likely won’t start smoking pot, but I wish I would, and I’m quite happy for Melissa. I miss the days of happyhappyjoyjoyinspiredallthetime, but my wisdom isn’t aligned with marijuana, at least not for me. Damn it!
I know it’s not popular to look into the darkness and to talk about it, but that’s part of my practice, actually that’s my main practice now-a-days, loving the shit out of the shadow, so … ouch, it’s sharp! Do I have to love this too? I don’t know if I can, but maybe I can accept that it’s happening, whatever it is. Maybe. I don’t know if this haze is heavy-metals or unconsciousness inducing mist or fairy making magic, but I know my heart hurts with sadness because of it and my eyes burn, and I’m sleepy even though I enjoyed at least 8 unbroken hours last night.
I also know that I’ll just keep sitting and always coming back to now as often as I can. I’ll stay the course of waking up and feeling pain and joy and all the in-betweens. I love this earth because I am this earth. I figure the most powerful thing I can do is to keep allowing myself to be busted open by love and that includes feeling and opening to whatever this is, because nothing can be excluded. The best I can do is to invite my own scary and threatening unconsciousness to rise up and to be nervy and compassionate enough to welcome it to stay, to get to know it and to own it, because maybe this stuff is simply a manifestation of the collective unconsciousness. Maybe that’s a stretch, but to me it feels true, and that’s the best I can do.
Oh, and I can join a gym.