sleeping and waking and sleeping ~ an email to friends


 got back from adyashanti intensive saturday nite and slept for 12 hours. so much so much so much. i want to shoot his words into my veins. i want to bleed truth. i want to blow my head off. frustrated with the search that keeps me stuck in  searching…getting nowhere. nowhere to go.
paradox is fun!
how am i still so asleep? i’m afraid. afraid of missing my life. that i’m not doing the right thing. trust? yes. i KNOW…I KNOW TOO MUCH. clenching. clenching. tight. holding. wanting. please save me. so much fear. i am aware of so much fear. i don’t trust today. today i want to make it all better. i don’t know how. i don’t know. i want to run away to quiet and i want to run away to darkness and wide open spaces and then i want the womb…close and safe and cared for. i want to wake up but i won’t wake up no matter how hard i try i just won’t wake up. nothing sticks. my mind is a fucking warrior. til death. til my last breath.
out of gas.
no i’m not.
yes i am.
no i’m not.
yes i am.
a losing game.
can’t i just lose already?
so that i can win?
i met a man named shane. he was watching me at the intensive. i was so entrenched in adya and in feeling, i was mostly void of self consciousness so i felt how he was experiencing me. has this happened to u? i felt his admiration. i saw myself how he saw me. beautiful. he saw me as beautiful. i was seeing myself through his eyes…when i remembered to look. finally he spoke to me as i was walking to my car. i looked to my left and there he was walking beside me. we spoke a few words as we walked and then we were at my car and he said good bye and that was that but not really…because…WTF????? i was very attracted to him. and now he is gone. the cosmic carrot dangling? still holding on to the thing that happened so long ago. 3 days ago. investigate! i should investigate this clinging. dooobie dooo.
what is real?
what is wrong?
death. the thing we all run away from, and the only thing that is certain.
existential clenching. preverbal. gut clenching. the big NO!!!! separation. the cutting of the cord. NO!!! live our lives half dead. running from death ? feels true to me.
 heavy on the head. heavy head. not my fault because god said…with her– go heavy on the head!
jewish mind. capacious. too much space/ vacuum.
change your thoughts and change your reality.
Fuck you. not you….just those who feed us lies. kind of true. but not the whole truth. not that i know the whole truth. not that i can. but i try.
this message was brought to you today by something i can’t explain.
this is
 Dearest Kate!
You are trying to wake up from the dream as the dream character. Cannot be done.Nothing needs to be destroyed, dismantled, or overcome. The ego is a naturally functioning feature of the whole of creation. All that is to be seen is this: the things that you believe yourself to be are arising within you; the things that you believe yourself not to be are arising within you. The distinction between the two, self and not-self, is a simple fabrication of the mind—-and therefore, so too are you.There is nothing to do, just be.I LOVE YOU AND THAT GORGEOUS COLLECTION OF CELLS THAT YOU ARE NOT. 🙂

 Dear Kate,
You are so charming…and sexy. I admit, it was actually quite titillating to read about your man encounter at the workshop – like reading people magazine where I get to fantasize about being Angelina Jolie on the red carpet or Katy Perry on a world tour. Oh goddess, I sincerely hope you exchanged phone numbers with this mysterious adoring man. Seriously.
Well uh, it sounds like you had an amaze-balls time at the retreat. Yeah, I imagine a weekend spent dwelling in bliss would be blissful!! 🙂 I know I’ve said this before, but seriously you could have your own reality show. A new Sex in the City type show. I’m serious!!!! But instead of being Carey as a NYC writer, you would be the edgy spiritual guru writer/kundalini expert. You think I am kidding. Fuck you. 🙂
Are you Jewish??  You slipped that into your splatter-schizo-haiku-fest… It doesn’t matter, only somehow i think it adds an extra layer of character to you. Russian/Greek. I want to go to Greece.

But actually, it would so rad and fun and funny if you had your own show. You would have a very interesting cast of supportive characters. I would just be a strange email character who you would occasionally quote. Gray! She would show up each season during your many single professional female getaways. And there would be a lot of dark handsome men in your show, as well as spiritual teachers, mala beads, sweaty yoga class sessions where your cleavage shows, and then lots of scenes where you are driving in your convertible (fast!) and screaming at God and slamming your hand on the steering wheel in rhythm with the music’s drum beat. Then you would have your additional cast members: your mysterious petite roommate who is running her own edgy clothing line, her midnight emotional conversations with her older moody boyfriend, your divorced latina girlfriends who have leaf-eating sons, sexy nerdy scientist chicks, and other Euro looking chicks with pink lip gloss…
sorry kate. drinking a gin and tonic right now. getting carried away.
 Dear Kate,

Categories: Uncategorized

One thought on “sleeping and waking and sleeping ~ an email to friends

  1. A wise man–who happened to wisely comment above–once said (or shared) that what you are seeking is that which is seeking. Our writing thingy will meet this wknd, it is planned/hoped–does Saturday early eve work for tu? It would be swell to have you join. Do you do fiction?–though according to E, it appears all to be a fiction.

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