I Am Thinking. A Freewrite.

I am thinking about my mind and it’s capacity for understanding the truth. I am thinking about not thinking which leads to more thinking. I am thinking about the heat in my mouth created by the sriracha on my sweet potato scramble consumed after walking two.5 miles with Zeb this am. I am thinking about Zeb and his need to eat his wolf food at 430 am, and the possibility that I am now Zeb’s bitch.  I am thinking about waking up, and Americans, and TV, and the mind’s tendency to believe everything it reads, hears, and sees. I am thinking about my own mind and the story telling that has kept me in shackles, I am thinking about waking up. I am waking up. I am thinking about the election and the insanity of it all. I am thinking about the lies being told, and the impossibility of ever knowing the truth when it comes to politics, or anything for that matter. I am thinking you can’t KNOW the truth, I am thinking you can only BE the truth. I am thinking that our whole society is a sham, a failure, a waste, a spiritual, emotional, and psychological crime that we commit against each other. I am thinking that if we don’t wake up soon, we’re doomed. Maybe we’re already doomed. Maybe this is what doomed looks like. Greed and lies and no one is asking any real questions, like: WHAT IS THE TRUTH????? I am thinking that I may have crossed some line and I may never come back. I am thinking about billboards and advertising and the constant ingestion of noise and stuff . I am thinking about hungry  ghosts. I am thinking none of this will ever be enough, I am thinking if we all stopped distracting ourselves by running to some-THING, or away from some-THING, that we’d all fall into a huge heap of nothingness and finally realize the futility of the game we’re playing. I am thinking that’s why we keep on truckin’, running around like we have important business to attend to every minute of every day. I am thinking about how badass life would be if we stopped thinking we knew what was best…if we all let go and let god…HA! I am thinking about buying new running shoes, I am thinking about running, I wonder if Zeb is a runner. I am thinking about my family and DNA and is it possible that insanity is a protein? Will they ever stop fighting? Are bullheadedness and arrogance and the tendency to abandon and run away when things get testy a familial trait? Is it okay to stop trying to fix the crazy people? Including myself? I am thinking about going back to school for writing. I am thinking about loans and time and do I even want to go back to school, and is it practical, and why not just write? I am thinking about the heat and the endless summer that keeps on keepin’ on. I am thinking about Flagstaff and big green trees and Zeb running through tall green grass. I am thinking about Zeb’s polka-dotted balls, and how I can’t let him off leash until those nuggets are chopped off. I am thinking about Zeb’s previous life and how he barked at Nikki this morning when we woke up, how he thought she was someone else, how all I could think to tell her was, “take off the hoodie.”  He stopped barking when she took off the hoodie. I am wondering why Nikki was wearing a hoodie this morning, it’s too hot for a hoodie. I am wondering if she robbed a bank. How well can you really know someone? I am thinking about Scotland and green and wet and cool. I am thinking about border collies herding ducks. I am thinking about the man across the country with the sparkling blue eyes who smells like a campfire and has hands that feel like sandpaper. I am thinking about the blue moon and the show I saw on Animal Planet while I was sweating on the elliptical at the gym yesterday. A cheetah stalks an antelope and its baby, and once they realize they’re being hunted they start to run, the mother gets away, but the baby is cheetah food. I am thinking about how the mother looked when she realized her baby was dead. I am thinking about nature and cruelty and fate. I am thinking about beauty and truth and the wretched state of humanity. I am thinking about those people who think they have control. Change your thoughts and change your life. I am thinking we are fooling ourselves. I am thinking we oughta take a look at what’s beyond the machine we think we control.  I am thinking nothing outside of me will ever bring me happiness, I am thinking I shall never know a greater peace than I know right now in this moment. I am thinking authentic spirituality is rare. I am thinking if one more yoga teacher refers to their students or themselves as “yogi’s,”  I’ll start screaming. I am thinking about Zorba the Greek and the yellowed pages of the paperback Selena lent me. I am thinking of love and fear and control and heat and dogs and a nap before noon.