I am sitting in a cafe in the Lower Haight as I write this. it’s early on a Sunday morning, and the city is quiet. San Francisco sleeps in on Sunday. There is an Irish Pub below the Victorian where M lives , it’s rowdy and dog-friendly, the windows are big, and they keep them open, the overflowing rowdiness spills onto cracked sidewalks, and floats in the cool bay breeze. Last nite the party found its way to my extra delicate ears, but not to worry, M bought ear plugs for me. Pink and yellow foam miracles, he had them on the night stand waiting for me, and they worked. I slept long and deep, uninterrupted by dreams, and I woke up smiling.
Today I’m going to take a workshop with one of my teachers. I’ve been lugging around her giant book for over a decade, just recently diving in deep and taking serious notes for a workshop series I’m planning, and today I get to spend 3 hours with her….Yay! I even brought her big book with me on my trip, so when M and I went to a yoga class, and I saw the flyer for her workshop, even though I paid 200 bucks to go home early, I changed it back. This was a rare opportunity, at THE PERFECT time. I had no idea she would be in Berkeley, so after some gentle internal wrestling and questioning, followed by forgiveness, I decided to stay.
I was so uncomfortable my first day here, the old familiar anxiety and loneliness settled in, and I wanted the hell out of here. My Brother and his family were in the desert visiting, so I thought it was a perfect excuse to flee myself. The self that arises when I am here. San Francisco exacerbates all of my bipolar tendencies. I get SUPERsized happiness, and I get SUPERsized anxiety and sadness. This city SUPERsizes me, it excites me. It scares me. I’m sitting with it, dancing with it, observing it, and, oh, I just know….growing from it.
This just in from my investigative reporter……
It’s a mini redo from last year when I ran away, another chance to integrate some strange alien self that wants to be known in this particular environment.
It was one year ago today that I left my safe and cozy home in the desert. I stuffed my tiny car with all my necessaries, having recently let go of my unecessaries, and hit the road, on my way to my brave new life in the state that has been taunting and tempting me since I was a kid. I was ripe for change, and exploding with big plans, ideas, dreams…..I had BIG expectations.
My friends all said, “you can always come back,” but I shook my head from side to side, they clearly didn’t understand that I had absolutely no intention of returning to Phoenix for anything other than a visit. “I’m not coming back.” I said this from my gut, I said it from a hot place of will and power. I meant it. I said no thank you when my boss called me into her office before I left to offer me a supplementary positon. I would fly to Phoenix once a month, work my 3 shifts, and be done, keeping my status as a Mayo employee. No, thank you. I wanted to be gone, free and clear….. with no life lines.
Turns out I have life lines galore, and even though I felt defeated and embarassed, had to suffer through the extensive training AGAIN at The Mayo Clinic as a new employee, went into debt buying all new EVERYTHING, since I got rid of everything…..well….so what. I also grew bigger balls and greater compassion. Big balls, expanded compassion and self knowledge can be expensive, but so what, it’s totally worth it.
9 months have passed since I left this lonely, congested, cold and hard place and returned to my desert womb.I did what I came here to do, even though my investigative reporter is still on the job, trying to explain…WHAT HAPPENED? I dwell in peace, knowing that no mistakes are ever made. I sit in the belly of this great city, and she keeps speaking to me, but she speaks in tongues….and I am moved in so many directons at once, and my heart swells with love, leaking out of my pores, and I only know this ONE thing for sure……….I am in the perfect place at the perfect time. I am aware of the pulling and twisting, the rolling and the swelling.
I make no sudden moves. I just watch my brave new life reveal itself. Moment by SUPERsized moment.