The Long Way Home

It’s taken me all day to get here, to sit down and commit to writing,  But wait…I’ve been writing…all day I’ve been writing about writing and the troubles I seem to be having around the writing. I’d much rather be reading.  I went to the library and scored unread ( by me)  Anne Lamott and Mary Karr….Mary Karr…damn it… she makes me feel like a retard, really her writing…stupendous. I can’t believe I just used the word stupendous…Back to the troublesome writing about the writing. Wait..I don’t want to write about writing…It’s windy today, rumors of a stormy weekend loom. Clouds and wind have kept me bracing for rain…..it feels like we are on the brink of some superstorm, and I am feeling it building somewhere inside…I can’t decide one damn thing today. The quality of my mind is like this and like that, I am windy and cloudy, but not yet rainy. I am a barometer.  All I’ve really wanted to do all day is this, to find a place inside my mind that feels connected to the earth.  Writing, a tether, the string that connects the balloon that is my head to this creature full of heart and blood and nerves and all manner of gooeyness. Indecision, procrastination. I don’t know what this post is about. I seem to be in the final stage of something…almost ready to….preparing to….I’m just about to….MAKE SENSE? No I’m not…..some days must be written off, some days one must allow the wind to carry them from here to there. It’s true I haven’t had the earth beneath me, gravity has left the building, and I have been floating about, getting all the necessaries done,  forgettign how to spell simple words, and arguing with entropy. Damn it…didn’t I just make my bed, wash my clothes,  honestly….didn’t I JUST sweep this floor???!!!  A mess again… always a mess to clean up…sometimes I just watch the mess get bigger…ever notice how a clean room is much more likely to get messy than it is to stay clean? Chaos. Sometimes I just surrender to the falling apart of things.  Is it true that the government is going to be shutting down at midnight tonite? I can’t be bothered, the wind wont allow me to stay here for long, on the subject of governments and anarchy…Jesus is coming on May 21…The Rapture…apparently. …billboards graffiti our  blooming city in the desert reminding us to “save the date”  Then what? The website they advertise claims that God will destroy the earth on October 21. I must admit …I wouldn’t be at all surprised if Jesus Christ showed up at my door asking me tough questions. Would I be ready to answer for myself and my accumulating sins?  Sure, why not. Jesus, just last week I thought one of my patients would be better off dead. I did, she was so full of poison….I couldn’t find any compassion for her, I could only find reasons to justify my desire to suffocate her with a disposable pillow. She infected me…..you were even called in formally by one of your biggest fans, she layed her hands on me and prayed in your name to put the right words in my mouth, the right thoughts in my mind.  And then, certified psychotic/emotional/psychic /parasite called me a bitch just  minutes after telling me I looked just like the beauty queen Miss Israel, and then she fired me. Thanks Jesus. Today I’ve had coffee, sugar-free red bull, malbec and vanilla roobois tea. Today yoga felt like shit…until it was over, then it felt marvelous.  Shove your Shakti up your ass…ahahahahahahahahahahah….Today I’m upstairs freestyling, today I have more than lost focus, today the lens has opened wide and is swelling with all of it…yet…still….I am here, finally sitting down to do this…the thing it’s taken me so many hours to get around to doing ….the simplest of things, the thing I intended to do today…this…the path of most resistance was my way home.