“What are you working on Kate?”
I was being asked this question before yoga class by a much- respected, hyper-intuitive teacher who happens to share my birthday. I’m lying over a wooden block, the soles of my feet are kissing, and my knees are spread wide. The heavy dark brown curtains that stretch from floor to ceiling are still closed and the lights are off. It is 1030 am, and I am considering this question while considering a nap.
I tell her I’m working on not working on anything. I tell her it would be ok with me if we just napped for 1.25 hours. I am then pulled up by an invisible hand and my feet are being tormented by little blue balls…AccuYoga. Yummy.
I don’t have any big ideas, no fancy plans, I don’t have any goals in the self -improvement department. Aimless, I am without a cause. I am lacking a self-defining purpose. I am ordinary and perhaps I am the color of something gray.
Since I’ve been home from California, I’ve been stripped of my ambition. I tried to force the writing of the memoir, I tried to fall into the planning of a European vacation, I even played around with the idea of going back to school. I’ve found that I haven’t the energy for any of these things. They all make me feel dry and contracted. I’m not moved to take action.
I used to have a fire in my belly, now I have a belly in my belly. Maybe two bellies in my belly.
This morning I woke up at 6am to hike a mountain with a very driven, focused, and goal-riddled friend. I love this man, and much of what he does is in the service of bringing light into the minds and hearts of the sleeping. But I noticed as we are hiking, I began to feel that familiar longing for production, the unsettledness that I used to interpret as the need to find that thing I was put on this planet to do..and by golly……to DO IT, and of course….to DO IT well! My mind begins to masturbate with ideas as a way to avoid the inadequacy I am feeling while listening to E’s plans to save the lives of thousands….But I know, even while my mind concocts and explores…I am not in production mode. I now interpret these feelings as an opportunity to check myself out. Am I ok if I’m not chasing something? Is that okay?
I feel like I am being forced into early retirement. Not a retirement from all living, but a retirement from the life I was living. BUSY-ness. I’ve been drained of my juice for it. I’m dry and I am putting down my tools of doing because they have lost their ability to thrill me. They are heavy and full of rust. I am heavy and full of rust. I am surrounded by people chasing things. I want to chase things too, but I’m tired. I’m not hungry enough, I can’t keep up. The payoff isn’t worth the energy expenditure…or so I tell myself.
I used to push so hard, zoom so fast, fly so high…I was in a race with myself..and now the race is over….or maybe I’m in training for a new race, and it’s a race to slow down. To move slower, to breathe deeper, to think less, plan less, to BE more…while being less. That feels right. But….I am aware of a place inside that hasn’t fully surrendered to this energy, as evidenced by my internal twisting while pushing up a peak with my ambitious buddy.
It’s Spring. Tis the season to explode and blossom. I don’t feel like my Spring self, I’m not springee and light, I’m not full of sunshine and wildflowers, I’ve got no new ideas, no exciting projects. I have no goals, no plans for the future. I’ve got nothing. (there is ONE thing…but it’s a different kind of thing….I’m not sharing 🙂 ) I feel like Winter. I took a three hour nap today. I’m not depressed, not in the least. Everything is fine. All is well. No complaints.
I don’t know what is going on.
I don’t need to shine, but I’m pretty sure I’m still shining.
And though I am presently feeling quite ordinary and unproductive, I do hereby reserve the right to get all hell bent, productive, and extraordinary at any time.
But I’m not holding my breath.
Because…..I am calm now. I am calm NOW.
NOW. I AM CALM.
I want for nothing but this.