I’ve been screaming into pillows lately. Sometimes because I am so HAPPY, and sometimes because I am FREAKING OUT!!!!! I just have to scream! I can’t keep up with the changes that are rushing in and busting my life wide open….I can’t stop them either, I seem to have crossed over to the point of no return, and while I am aware of this….I keep trying to slam on the brakes, and throw it in reverse, but guess what? There aren’t any brakes….no reverse either.
I have no control….HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!
I’m a puppet, you’re a puppet, he’s a puppet, she’s a puppet, wouldn’t you like to be a puppet too?
Guess what? YOU ARE A PUPPET!
Fighting is futile, you’re going where you’re going whether you like it or not, Kate!
Things are changing FAST!
I am changing FAST.
I no longer know what to expect of myself…I seem to be hell bent on pushing myself to all sorts of extremes, I’m taking myself places I would have never dreamed of….I’m eating strange food combinations that just a month ago, I would have considered inedible…now, my mouth is craving exotic, never before fathomed food combinations….wasabi and seaweed rice cake with almond butter and agave nectar? YUM!
I’m putting together outfits…. black yoga pants, turqouise cowboy boots, orange tank top, yellow ruffly scarf, blue baseball cap, purple pea coat and blue REI backpack in leiu of a purse; I no longer carry a purse!?….it’s a wardrobe and culinary free for all….and I’m not even trying….
It’s just what’s occuring to me.
Next week….3 dates…with three different men….WTF?
The anxiety…well…it’s been wild, I almost went back to Phoenix to wiggle my way out of the uncertainty, out of the sensations that were throwing me into reaction…I even considered buying a house in Phoenix, yes, I’ll stick myself back into the same situation I left, but this time…I’ll make it even HARDER to leave, cause THIS SUCKS, and I never want to do THIS again..I asked for my job back at The Mayo Clinic, and I was welcomed with open arms ( I LOVE YOU GUYS! THANK YOU) I found a place to stay….I told some of my friends….and then…
I wasn’t sure. About anything.
I prayed. I actually SANG my prayer out loud for myself and a friend as part of an invocation at the beginning of our outdoor yoga practice…..I prayed for CLARITY; and then we practiced, and we sweat, and we laughed, and I watched brown squirrels and a black and white cat dance in the grass and then up trees as I moved my body to the rhythm of my breath, and as I stepped out of the drivers seat, and let go of the wheel, I began to relax….
And then we sat. I don’t have to know anything right now, I stopped trying to figure it out. A miracle.
Later, we went into the city, into San Francisco……I ran into a friend from Phoenix, I soaked up sunshine in Dolores Park, I walked six miles, and found THE BEST USED BOOK STORE …..in The Mission….I had to leave after realizing that every book I layed my eyes on….I wanted to buy…I quickly grabbed “Irreverent San Francisco,” ( used- 8 bucks!) the book promised to guide me around the city like a savvy local……and I made a note in my iphone…The Adobe Book Store on 16th st…ROCKS!
It’s not time to go home yet. I woke up the next morning knowing this for sure. For CERTAIN. I called my former boss, thanked her, but told her I wasn’t coming back. She said, “good for you!” And then I started to panic….
What am I doing????
I went to the gym and ran for an hour on the treadmill, then I did a leg workout that left me with shaking licorice limbs. Still…ANXIOUS.
Sat to meditate….phone rang ( ooops)…I get invited to come in for interview I never expected to get…. I applied in June…my first choice. I can’t believe it!
Still anxious…but better. …
Pizza! Beer! Nurse Jackie DVD!
I don’t feel that the dizzying momentum of the changes will slow down anytime soon. No Sireeee!
I am stepping into a BIG LIFE….a BIGGER LIFE…I am being asked to step up….
Scream therapy …..into a pillow…… is where it’s at 🙂