I lost. The wrestling match between me and god, it’s over, and quite frankly….I had my ass handed to me. I never stood a chance, but I gave it my best, I stayed and I took the punches, I threw a lot too, but even those landed on me. Ouch. Bloodied and weakened, I still fought and fought some more, even after being thrown from one side of this universe into the universe next door, I fought……..and in the end, I was tossed into the hell that is surrender.
I have been shown again and again…I am no match for god.
I spent a full day sleeping. The fight that lasted for two weeks had come to an end. I had to let go. I was done. I let myself fall into the darkness, into wide spaces of nothingness, peppered with dreams full of water and dogs chasing balls. I would come out only to nourish my tour of the underworld with bites of chocolate and bready things.
On the day of my surrender…I felt forsaken, forgotten, totally dissed by the one thing…the only thing… I began having conversations with god that went something like this: “fine then!”, …”I’ll just sleep , I’ll do nothing, you win…you’re mean..you don’t love me!!!” And then I’d fall back into dreaminess without any concern for the wasted day, for the carbohydrates rushing towards my fat cells..” “FINE!! I’ll just get fat too, is that what you want, GOD? Fine!” I felt like a five-year old yelling at my Mom, having a fit, jumping up and down, screaming, begging, throwing myself on the floor, fists pounding….. “Please!!! I want it! I want it NOW, why can’t I have it NOW!!!”….and crying so hard and for so long…just exhausting myself…. finally giving up, and falling into a long deep nap with my thumb in my mouth.
And then the next day…I woke up…and…PEACE. Oodles of peace. Space inside my head, rivaled only by the space inside of my heart. I spent the day sitting on a boulder perched on one of The Coyote Hills, my nose full of wild fennell and marshy water, eyes full of space….water as far as my mind could go, pelicans chasing the wind in single file, dry golden grasslands infested with squirrels bouncing after one another, Monarch butterflies kissing my eyes….
I feel better.
Today as I ran around the lake, I blessed each and every person I saw…..I blessed the homeless man sleeping on the bench with a grocery cart full of empty Pabst Blue Ribbon Cans, his crooked yellow teeth smiling at his dream, I asked god to lighten his load. I blessed the lean and light as air, muscle bound, chocolate colored man, I blessed the young couple holding hands, I blessed the old couple walking S L O W L Y, one with a cane, and both with smiles as big as mine, I blessed the middle-aged women with middle-aged middles, I blessed the gazelle legged girl with the curly ponytail, I blessed the strange asian lady who lifted her blouse exposing her breasts and a big ass smile as I ran by. I blessed out loud the group of young men cleaning up the lake with white nets on sticks, wheeling around a garbage can that said, “Littering Costs Tax Dollars.”
I don’t understand what is going on. I don’t know where this life is going, what comes next is a mystery. It’s all the same, and nothing is new. Life has always been this way.
Except…for now I am at peace with this. For NOW.
NOW….and still NOW.
Losing feels like winning. I have stopped beating the shit out of myself. That’s a win.
I love California. I don’t think I’m leaving. Yet. Unless of course….god wants me to.