Tonite I had an emotional breakdown during yoga class, just after The Primary Series. I opted out of the head stands and threw my legs up the wall while oodles and oodles of tears fell onto my cheeks, and spilled onto my new, and still stinky Manduka mat. I’ve been feeling sad. My life has been emptied out of all of it’s familiar contents and I feel hollow and alone in a town jam packed with people….SO MANY PEOPLE; all of them strangers.
Where are all of my friends? I miss my friends, I miss being known and loved. I feel invisible. I miss feeling like I have some reason, some purpose; I miss feeling needed. Shit. I knew this would happen, but I didn’t expect it to happen so soon. It’s officially one week today (only ONE week!!!) since I arrived in the bay area, and today I was asking myself why I came. Did I make a mistake?
This is hard. My emotions are storms that move through my body without my consent, rocking me from the inside out; forcing me to cry in public and in front of strangers, in line at Trader Joe’s, at the post office, at the laundromat, in a movie theatre…….in a performing arts theatre during a play, I’m blowing my nose into my fuzzy black sweater, in yoga class, I’m sweating just enough to disguise my salt water eye shower ( I like to think)….the alternative is to turn blue, to cut off my breath…to not breathe. Much. To only take in as much oxygen as is required to be alive enough to know that if I don’t let it go, I’ll explode, or I’ll commit a passive suicide. So I must. I must allow the energies to have their way with me. To throw me around, to cut me in half, to force surrender upon me against my will. I surrender. No, I am surrendered.
Before I left Phoenix I didn’t feel much. I asked my friends to not say goodbye, just “see you later”, I kept myself super busy until I had to leave. I worked on Thursday…I left Phoenix on Friday. Smart. I didn’t grieve. I had one major episode of falling apart while packing up my room, but other than that….I was NOT GONNA CRY!!!! I knew it would be too big, and I had shit to do. No time for feeling too much; thanks…maybe later:)
Now…not so much shit to do. At least not yet. Now is later, and now I am crying all the uncried tears, and feeling all the unfelt feelings. Yipppeeee!! I know there will come a day when I will be busting my ass to get things done….a new job, home, and lots and lots of other new stuff, are hiding in shadows like Christmas presents hiding in the closet….I soon won’t have time to put on my cry face, to wear it most of the day, to spend hours luxuriating in deep pain…the pain of letting go…the pain of goodbye.
This morning I asked god to please give me a sign. Some sign that I was where I was supposed to be, that I wasn’t a fool to leave my cushy life in Arizona. All day I filled my head with my mantra, “me and god, god and me, are ONE”….and it helped…until I dropped it and gave in to the tightness in my chest…yoga helped….and during Savasana, I reminded god that the day was almost over, and I hadn’t received my sign yet…so, what gives god? Should I pack up my car and head south and then east?
As I was walking home from Monkey Yoga Shala, I noticed a man from class walking next to me, I had been missing my friends, wishing I had someone to talk to, but I wasn’t in the mood to engage this stranger in conversation, not now. I still have tears dripping down my face. He is then a few feet in front of me, because I slowed down, conscious of the emotional storm still in progress. I am looking at the ground, and my hat is pulled down when I notice two boy feet walking next to mine. I look up, and he talks to me, ” do you come to Tim’s class a lot?” I ask him if he is comfortable with tears. He laughs and says he is. I tell him I am homesick and lonely, and I have only been to Tim’s class three times, and I miss my old yoga studio at home in the desert! We are walking beside the lake, people are laying in the cool grass, there are kayaks, their paddles cutting through the glass-like water, and the setting sun is sending golden ribbons of light onto the almost still surface of Lake Merritt. In front of us, a gaggle of Canadian Geese throw up their wings, slapping the sky with dark feathers, dancing a Canadian bird dance known only to them. My messenger lives down the street from where I am staying, so we continue to walk side by side for some time. He says, ” I know it’s hard for you to appreciate this right now, but this is an amazing place, and you are going to love it.” There it is, my sign! Thank you.
So I made a new friend. He is a yoga teacher, and he teaches Ashtanga classes in the park. Mark is his name, he gave me his card and told me to email or call anytime. If I’m sad or bored, or whatever. And I will.
This too shall pass. I am certain about my decision. Deep in my heart, I know that I had no choice, not if I want to be lived into my groovy goddess potential. So here I am. Living in California. Just hatched and new. Empty. Almost empty. The tears….I don’t know when they will dry up.
Fill me up already, will ya????