I feel balanced. OFTEN. This feeling isn’t completely foreign to me, but lately I’m enjoying it more often than not, and that is foreign to me. I’m used to large mood fluctuations, it feels normal to go from really happy, to really sad, to really mad, and then back to really happy, all within the course of a day. It feels like 75 percent of my body has been taken over by someone I don’t recognize. She is different; she is calm, centered, and not prone to worry. She is confident, and has this tremendous faith in all things seen, unseen, done, and undone. She’s cool with all that is. Who is she? I’m pretty sure she’s me. Me, without…..something. Something has been subtracted.
I’ve been doing a few things differently during the last couple of months; I’ve finally gotten on track with Yaz, the little birth control pill that held great promise for nixxing my psychotic premenstrual episodes has finally shown signs of working. I got a diagnosis of PMDD, premenstrual dysphoric dysfunction back when it had a longer acronym, LLPMDD, they dropped the double L, because in the 21st century we haven’t the attention span for such a mouthful. I just learned to live with the emotional torrents, and then I decided to try something that might give myself and others a break. Maybe I didn’t have to lose my shit once a month, falling into deep dark holes full of all that is wrong in the world. A birth control pill that can take away PMS, I mean PMDD? AND give you clear glowing skin? AND keep parasitic humans from taking over your body? I decided to give it a whirl. Yaz! a little miracle named after a band I never liked from the 80’s .
According to my doctor, I make lots and lots of hormones, and I like to think that all of these extra chemicals make me extra feminine . All of this extra-ness shows, not only do I bleed gallons of blood, resulting in chronic anemia, but I also bite heads off of babies, puppies, and anything else that happens to be in reach, all while keeping my toes freshly polished, and my vases full of flowery beauty. I get really mean, and really hungry. The mean part is not easy to detect unless you know me well, or you ask me a rather personal question, like, ” how are you?”
I’ve been taking Yaz for the last three months, but only in the last month have I been taking it as directed. I had a great deal of resistance in the beginning. The thought of messing with my hormones, and my delicate extra-feminine balance, gave me great anxiety, resulting in a bunch of medication errors that would have lost me my nursing license were I dispensing this drug to the public. It was a big bloody mess. Literally.
But here we are, just a few days before my period….and I’m BALANCED. Is it working?
Or, is it that I’ve been practicing kundalini yoga in addition to my regular yoga practice? Practicing strange exercises such as holding my right index finger in my left fist with my eyes closed and rolled up towards my pineal gland while chanting “Wahe Guru” for three minutes. Hey y’all, I know it sounds silly, but it’s SCIENCE, and it works! It’s been incredibly cathartic and healing in so many ways, and on so many levels. I’ve even taken to using my spiritual name given to me over ten years ago by my teacher Dr Khalsa, “Adi Shakti Kaur.” This translates to, ‘The Princess of Divine Primal Creative Energy”, some days this is more than I want to live up to, so I just go by Kate……. but always at Guru Nanak Dwara Ashram, I am Adi Shakti Kaur…..but you my friend, you can call me Kate 🙂
I have also finally commited to a REGULAR meditation practice. Morning and evening I sit. And I sit. And that’s really it. I sit. For 3 months now, the commitment to sit is larger than the urge to distract myself. It’s a miracle.
So maybe that’s what has happened. A miracle. These “things” I’ve done, been moved to do, they are simply ingredients in the recipe for grace, and the ingredients have been here in my cabinet for eternity, but only recently have I been moved by energies to put them all together in a bowl, stir them up, and enjoy the fulfillment of fully consuming the presence of myself .
And…the other 25 percent? ….she still wants to bite you!