I met him on top of Camelback mountain. He was a couple of feet in front of me, just about to the top. He turned around, smiled and said, “come on honey, you’re almost there!” I happened to be in front of her, his eleven year old daughter, and those words were for her, that smile, that love was meant for her, but I was in it’s way, and my heart was super-sized by the jolt of radiant light that poured from this beautiful man right into the center of my chest. Ka-pow!
I had just had a heart to heart with Troy, a man I have known since I was fifteen, a “man” that I loved from head to toe, but who was basically still an adolescent in the body of a tall, sexy, thirty something. I told him “no more!”, I would no longer be dancing the sick, twisted , alcohol induced I love you and I’m sorry dance. I was hurt and I was bored. I have very little tolerance for boredom. I was done.
To seal my powerful, albeit way past due decision, I headed up Camelback mountain, to shake off the past and the look of his puppy dog eyes when I asked him to set me free, to let me go so that I could find someone appropriate, someone who would treat me how I deserved to be treated, I asked for his blessing, and he gave it without protest. He was hung over, and he wore his self hatred like a prize he had fought good and hard for, a look that was now passe’.
It was a beautiful Sunday morning, it had rained the day before, the air was cool, crisp, and the sky was periwinkle blue, white puffy cotton ball clouds decorated a sky that held 360 degrees of clarity, layers of the valley and beyond spread out before my eyes, reminding me why it’s always worth the trouble to work so hard to get to the top, especially after a rain. It was November 27, 2005, and I had tickets to The Rolling Stones later that night.
I spoke to him first, he looked familiar, like someone I had recently met, but only briefly, like someone I would know for a long time. He and his daughter sat on a rock below me, I noticed him noticing me , so I asked him what his name was, I was expecting it to be “Bryce”, but it wasn’t . He asked for my name as he walked closer, his daughter behind him, and sat down near my feet.
We jumped right in to getting to know each other, we had gone to the same yoga school, we talked about holons, Ken Wilber, The Rolling Stones, and the yoga center he was to be opening on Mill avenue come fall. He was older and sexy, and his voice was deep and boyish. We walked down together, he told his daughter to go on ahead, I put my ear buds in his receptors and had him listen to Bob Schneider’s latest musical inspiration, he told me about his book, I told him about Vippassana, and he invited me to lunch.
I was so excited I could barely breathe, I felt high. It felt like fate, like something BIG was happening! I couldn’t find the restaurant, and I eventually gave up, remembering that he said he taught yoga at Lifetime fitness, and I went to school with someone who worked in the corporate office. I called her the next day, she knew him alright, and she had only glowing things to say. I asked her to call him, to give him my phone number. He called 30 minutes later.
What happened next has been going on for almost five years. We have had some romance, peppered with resentment ( on my part), and friendship, our timing has been way off, and sometimes way on, followed by my clinging, followed by his distancing. He is only interested when I’m not, or at least it feels like that. I was projecting onto him some ideal, some fantasy that he couldn’t live up to, and then punishing him when he would fall short. Our relationship has been a series of fits and starts. He has been a good friend to me, he is very wise, he is a good man, and he is also very unavailable. The unavailable part, well, I think energetically that’s what kept me entranced.
Until now. I made a new friend recently, a beautiful, smart, funny woman. I thought he might like to meet her. She isn’t interested in a relationship, she just wants to, “have fun”, they have a bunch in common, they are both Canadian, have kids of similar ages, and are into yoga and fitness. I thought they would make a really good match. So I contacted him. I thought about it for a while of course, and I was filled with only positive feelings, which I interpreted as joy from the the prospect of introducing two friends that may really find some happiness together. I wanted to give them both a present.
He said my timing couldn’t be better, he just broke up with his most recent girlfriend two weeks ago, sure he would meet her, but what was up with me? Could we go to lunch soon? I said sure, we hadn’t seen each other in over a year. We talked for a while, and he had great wise things to say. He reminded me of how it was quite possible that my contacting him may have been about something completely different than what I thought it was about. I knew this, I told him I knew this, but that for now, I’d like to stick to the possibility of he and my friend getting married and living happily ever after, and they would both have me to thank. He asked me why did I have to go and scare him by mentioning marriage, why couldn’t I just say that I hoped they have a really great relationship?
This man is almost fifty. I told him that I thought commitment phobic men were boring, by now I am just b-o-r-e-d. The thing is, this man wants intimacy, he wants a life partner, he is just a-scared. Join the club! Who isn’t afraid to be vulnerable, to put their heart up for grabs? But what else is there that’s worth doing? As we talked some more, I felt that warm sensation in the center of my chest, the feeling right before you cry. I get that around him, it’s something ancient, we have known each other for a very long time, for eternity.
But in this lifetime it seems we are destined to keep missing each other. So it seems. I think on some level I keep checking in to see if he’s ready yet. Not that I’ve been ready, but I now know what I want. I am very clear, I’m not wasting any more energy on men I know aren’t capable of stepping up to the plate. I know that I don’t know what’s up for the future; what comes next is unknown. But I do know that I want a partner, a strong courageous man, one with a big open heart, and gigantic balls, cause that’s what it’s gonna take.
I have let go of him, of expectations, of needing him to be something to me that he’s not, he just represents all the others. Toodaloo! I feel free and easy breezy! I am filled with faith, and with a knowing that I am on my way to an epic relationship.
With a warrior.
Who has really big balls.