Coco Jane and Kate

I’m pissed.

I just got done watching Coco before Chanel, the story of her before she became HER. I cried my fucking head off! My swollen eyes and puffy face are lying on the floor still attached to the head that used to be on my neck.  Fucking love. Fuck off.

I’ve been feeling like shit all day despite the yoga, hiking, and a message full of compliments about my writing from someone I hardly know.  I rented this movie thinking I’d give myself a break from the haunting thoughts of my most recent romantic disappointment.  Yawn.  Even I am bored,  but apparently today my mind wants to help out by reminding me of how his voice sounds, the sweet things he said,  how his kisses felt, and how delicious it was to be tangled up in his body.  He sat right there in that very chair only weeks ago.

SHUT UP! 

SO HUM SO HUMbutwhatifyoudontlikemelikemeiknowilikeyouONG NAMO GURU DEV NAMOkissmerightnowourmaidisgonnabesopissedwithallthishairOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMimsorrybabyillhelpyouwiththat….I AM IAMwe’llbehonestandyoullhugmeand benicetome IAM IAMifeelpressuredibarelyknowyouifeelikeiknowyousowellSOHUMSOHUMidontbelieveitwilleverhappencantijustlookatyouOMMMMMMMMMidontknow

Scary, huh?

I thought this movie would be about fashion and shit, a story of a powerful self made woman, not about LOVE.  I purposely DID NOT select Love Happens with Jennifer Aniston, because  I WAS NOT  in the mood for romantic shit, especially not a romantic comedy that I’m sure would have a happy ending after some crisis, and then all my faith in love and men would be restored.  Not tonite, any other night, yes,  but tonite I want to be distacted from a heart that feels broken, and I don’t care  to feel it.  Chic flicks.

 That’s probably a large part of what is stealing my peace. The shit splattering of my tabula rosa.  My brain has been washed by these  fakey movies since I was a wee little girl.  It all started with Grease, get it?  I was in love with Danny at 5 years old.   I loved the bad boy, and I am the good girl.    My dad was a greaser.   Danny changed for Sandy, or did he become more of himself because of her love?  Sure , she dressed up in tight leather and fuck me pumps and  pretended to smoke a cigarette, she did it just to show him SHE COULD.   “Tell me about it stud.”   I think he became more of himself because of her love. I just do.  I think we should all be careful about what we feed our heads, it hangs around in your mind like fat on your thighs.  Happily ever after. The End. 

Coco, she falls in love with a man named Boy.  He marries someone else, “marriage is a social convention, nothing between us will change.”  She is not yet COCO, she is a woman making hats for her sugardaddies rich friends, not Boy, an ugly old rich dude,  who of course want’s to marry her when she tells him she is leaving to “make her fortune.”  Coco was an orphan, a pauper,  a woman who would never marry well, not in those times. But she is strong, beautiful, she speaks her mind, and she has STYLE,  as you must know.  She and Boy have their love affair, and the movie makers and actors make you believe in the love.  I could feel the love.  The way she loved him was so very sweet and innocent, full blown, nothing held back,  like a teenager loves her first boyfriend.  It reminded me of ME, and how I love.  Then he dies.  Coco Chanel never married.

Jane Austen, same shit.  Fell in BIG LOVE.  He died.  She never married. 

If I am in the Jane and Coco club, then OKAY, but I’m PISSED OFF about it, at least for now.  Maybe I will  pour all of my heart into writing and who knows what else???  Maybe I’ll adopt a little baby from another country.  Maybe I will become a lesbian or a Buddhist nun.

I am devastated by Coco’s loss.  I am devastated by Jane’s loss.   I am devastated by my loss, I am devastated by your loss.  My guy isn’t dead, but it feels like he is.  I don’t know what will happen in the future, there are no closed doors, there is just waiting, letting go, having faith.  If it is meant to be, it will be, if you love something set it free, if I fuck you, you only fuck me…..okay.  Wait, no.

Better screw my head back on and get to work making my fortune.

Hiss.