The Urging

The night is having her way with me, like she sometimes does.  Just when I get that yummy deep feeling of peace, slipping into the soft folds of sleepy unconsciousness, I am pulled out by sudden awakeness.  I know not from where it comes.  I am awake, and I am writing this.

 I am simply a puppet, and so here I sit, at this lonely hour, though I’m not feeling especially lonely, only alone.  I haven’t had much to say lately.  Nothing I want to share with you invisible audience, the random minds that peek at mine while I’m not looking.  Pages of spiral notebooks have been assaulted with my latest fury.  I’ve actually been bracing the molding of a very sturdy door frame while an earthquake moves through my insides, tempting me to wave a white flag, though I’m not sure where I’d get one at this point. 

My duty is to ride the waves and pray for the best, Not sure whether the floor will crumble beneath my feet before the ceiling collapses.  I’m not sure how these earthquakes go when you’re not busy running away from them.  I stayed this time.  This time I stayed my ass put, and rode it out, and it was a fucking gas!  It was like burning up from the inside out, having your sanity snatched away, and left to fend for yourself with pure raw emotion, no mental compass worth reading, it had gone all cattywumpass, full of  polarized crazy talk.  I have only 2 channels with sound,  One channel on Fox news, the other on the opposite equivalent.  Hogwash.

 This time I stayed and felt it, watched it, took notes, but no prisoners, ( only in my mind did I have a victim, but he was released in short order),  and I was somehow born again into a knowing.  There is nothing to do.  There is nowhere to go.  It is all just happening.  It is all being done.  I know that I have no real say in what comes next, in the outcome of ten thousand things I will do, the urging is pushing me forward, towards unknown everything.  I want to stay put, to stay safe.  To languish in my comfortable complacency known as this particular experience.  The one I think I know inside and out, up and down ,  forwards,  backwards, horizontally and vertically, and  circularly……….. most intimately. It’s all ratty and thread bare I suppose, and my grip is loosening to the point of gone.

The white flag  is waving,  but there is no one holding it.

The Kate condensation being bounced around the cosmos,  oh, do what you will! 

 Please be gentle.

  Here’s to Another NOW.  Wow.  Holy Cow!

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