How I Make Myself Ill~a freewrite

I’m tired and I’m sad.  Tired and sad, not inspired to express these doldrums. Where do they come from?  The deserted gray town called Doldrumville?  Shannon reminding me of the Dharma while  pushing me ever so gently toward the herbal tea , forsaking the mocha with whipped cream that would almost certainly lengthen my stay in this wretched place, exacerbate my symptoms, feed them.  Perhaps that’s precisley why I want it, I want it to feed the tired hungry sad self.  she needs fuel to keep up the fight against herself.  Caffeine and sugar, ah…the perfect combo…How do I make myself ill?  Just like that.  I’m restless , so uncomfortable with this, the exhaustion, the loneliness, but honestly not really interested in a pal right now.  Maybe Shannon, she gets me.  Her mirror,  one that is loving and wise .  Go home and drink  some tea.  Well we compromised,  I stayed here. Sitting in a white naugahyde chair with a high back, it’s like a hug from the 70’s. I’m sitting here waiting for my GET GORGEOUS tea to steep, it will then be poured over ice, I hope it’s good and filling and the perfect beverage, but I know it won’t be. It’s not chocolatey and sugary, and caffeiney. But it touts loveliness, and beauty is good too.  I’ll give it space to be inside of me. Why am I sad? I’m sad cause…I don’t wanna go into my story about why I’m sad, I’m bored with it.  Is that not compassionate?  To replay thoughts..the old stuff, it seems to never go away, goes into remission, always to return if the stimuli is suitable. Like a virus it is!  Where does it live? I suspect my heart. It doesn’t care what I want , it demands my attention .  it throws me around the universe and insists I feed it sugary things.  Things I will inevitably have to consider later when they show up morphed into a mood , a new dimple in my ass.  Oh fuck, when oh when will I just let it go for good?   Relax this resistance to reality?  As she shows up now?  NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  This is the reality as it is showing up now, as resistance. Relax with resistance. She measures the days .  How many bad days now? 4 or 5? I think it’s been a few weeks. TRUTH..it’s been since I got in touch with HIM….