Twenty Ten, Begin Again, Again!

Tis the season to declare our intentions to make changes, to right past wrongs, to RESOLVE to be better, skinnier, fitter, more loving, more POSITIVE,  creative, richer, _____ ( add your own ) people. 

 I typically opt out of this resolution fiasco,  I know how it goes,  you tell yourself  this year you just aren’t going to mess around with that sexy fucker who never calls , and then you find yourself drunk on his breath after spending 10 minutes making out like teenagers in the front seat of his batmobile!  It was fun, and damn it , I want to do it again!  What was the problem? 

  It takes more than just a craving for change to create the change you are craving.  I’ve studied myself and my “unhealthy” cravings forever. In my terrible twenties, I’d make a beeline to the self help/improvement section of every library and  bookstore my pretty little feet walked into. Searching for ways to improve my relationships, my spending habits, my PMS, every uncomfortable space inside and outside needed some fixing,  I was on the lookout for some advice I could count on , And  I just wasn’t finding satisfying answers in Cosmo anymore.  Thank you Sark, Marianne Williamson, James Redfield, and the countless other authors whose names escape me, your books now forgotten in title.  Inside of me there are pieces of your wisdom, just right for me at that time.

One must be clear on what this change IS, and why do we want to change anyhow?  Take Batman for an example.  This is a man I met online about 4 years ago.  We have this spooky chemistry. His kisses turn off my mind, and his touch is soft electricity,  it’s hard to tell where he begins and I end, so to describe  the sex as  mindblowing is doing it less than justice.  This happens without the nudge of drugs or alcohol, we are lucky like that.    

So you are asking yourself, “what’s the problem????”   The problem is I am like most women.  Damn it.  I want the man I’m sleeping with to behave a certain way. Call me , send flowers, help me plan our wedding!!!!  It’s  the old reptilian brain controlling me, once those chemicals spill into my bloodstream, I’m planning and expecting!!!    This makes it  impossible to just enjoy the present moment, which is after all… EVERYTHING.  He doesn’t call when I want, behave the way a good husband in training should, and  I start building up reasons why he’s a creep, so much less than what I “deserve”,   the high has worn off, throwing me under the emotional hangover bus.  I resolve to never go there again.

But I do.  I have.  I will.  Why?  Is he a drug?  A love drug?  Am I simply addicted to this kind of man?  He’s just like my Father, dark and unavailable.   So I replay this game that I will never win, hoping for some different outcome.  If I can only win the love of Batman, then I will have resolved my Daddy issue. Yawn.  Yeah, yeah,yeah, I read all those books too.  Double Yawn.  Just don’t call him, don’t look at his facefuck page, pull your hat way down when you see him at the gym.  It’ll get easier the more you don’t give into temptation.  Good God girl, don’t feed the beast!  I’ve tried this and even some witchy type cures, and I’m still slam dancing with Batman.

Twenty Ten begin again!!!!  I’ve got a shiny new perspective for this new decade, I’m gonna have me some FUN!!!  Batman is fun, and he is perfect just the way he is.  We have a good time together, and in twenty ten this is enough.  The change IS my perspective, I want this CHANGE because I want to enjoy every last moment of this life.  I’ve wasted too, too much precious time being sad because HE ( insert name______) hasn’t shown up the way I wanted him to.   Of course I want a relationship, the “soulmate”,  I really dodoggitydo! And a trusted psychic has assured me I will have this, coming soon;) 

So maybe Batman isn’t him, but how would I even know this if I’m constantly searching for reasons he’s not. Because he doesn’t fit the mold I’ve fashioned.  If I already have my dress picked out, and the playlist for our wedding  loaded on my ipod, how am I supposed to enjoy the blessings that are right in front of me NOW?  Tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us, this life is delicate and easily taken from us, or altered in some horrifying way. I have witnessed this many times , and how it can happen in an instant. 

To hell with caution, with expectations, with resentments and repressions!!!  Twenty Ten is the beginning of my life, my real life.  The life where I no longer lock myself in a  prison made up of thoughts that no longer fit.  I have grown beyond this way of thinking.  As if “I” could ever truly understand what’s going on here.  My only job is to eat what’s on my plate!  Batman is on my plate, and maybe he won’t be tomorrow, but then there will be some other treat!!!  I’m resolving to LIVE HAPPILY NOW.   Happy New Year!

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